Verse 79 - Living Without Resentments

[Eva Libre]

79th Verse

  After a bitter quarrel, some resentment remains.
What can one do about it?
Being content with what you have
is always best in the end.

Someone must risk returning injury with kindness,
or hostility will never turn to goodwill.
So the wise always give without expecting gratitude.

One with true virtue
always seeks a way to give.
One who lacks true virtue
always seeks a way to get.

To the giver comes the fullness of life;
to the taker, just an empty hand.

 

Contemplation/Meditation Verse

Someone must risk returning injury with kindness, or
                                           hostility will never turn to goodwill.

I choose to close-out any future conflict,

                                           with love and kindness.                 

                    
Do The Tao Now

Silently recite the following words from the Prayer of Saint Francis: “Where there is injury, [let me bring] pardon.” Be a giver of forgiveness as he teaches: Bring love to hate, light to darkness, and pardon to injury.  Read these words daily, for they’ll help you overcome your ego’s demands and know “the fullness of life”.
 
Source - Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life (Living the Wisdom of the Tao) 
by Dr Wayne W Dyer

[Eva Libre]

Advice from Dr Dyer -

End on love, no matter what !

Picture yourself at the termination of a quarrel or major dispute. Rather than reacting with old patterns of residual anger, revenge, and hurt, visualize offering kindness, love, and forgiveness. Do this right now by sending out these "true virtue" thoughts to any resentments you're currently carrying. Make this your standard response to any future altercations: I end on love, no matter what !

[Eva Libre]

Advice from Dr Dyer -

Practice giving.

In the midst of arguments or disagreements, practice giving rather than taking before you exit the fracas. Offer the Tao treasures or real virtues by presenting kindness rather than a put-down, or a sign of respect instead of proving someone wrong. Giving involves leaving the ego behind. While it wants to win and show its superiority by being contrary and disrespectful, your Tao nature wants to be at peace and live in harmony. You can reduce your quarreling time to almost zero if you practice this procedure.

[Eva Libre]

From Richard Grossman - The Tao of Emerson

From James Legge - The Texts of Taoism, 1891

When a reconciliation is effected after a great animosity;
There is sure to be a grudge remaining
in the mind of the one who was wrong.
And how can this be beneficial to the other ?

Therefore, to guard against this, the sage keeps
the left-hand portion of the record of the engagement,
And does not insist on the speedy fulfillment of it
by the other party.
So, he who has the attributes of the Tao
regards only the conditions of the engagement,
While he who has not those attributes
regards only the conditions favorable to himself.

In the Way of Heaven, there is no partiality of love;
It is always on the side of the good man.

From the Essays of Ralph Waldo Emerson - "Circles", "Courage"

By going one step farther back in thought,
Discordant opinions are reconciled
by being seen as two extremes of one principle,
And we can never go so far back as to
preclude a still higher vision.

When we get an advantage
It is because our adversary has committed a fault.

Forgive his crime, forgive his virtues, too.
Those smaller faults, half convert to the right.

[Eva Libre]

From The Tao of Motherhood by Vimala McClure

79
RESOLUTION

As your children grow up,
there is bound to be some
unresolved pain. There was the
time you couldn't make it to the
third grade play. The time you
struck your child in anger. The
painful divorce which could not
be adequately explained.

A wise parent recognizes her
failings and accepts what is.
There is room in life for remorse,
and for forgiveness. There is
room in our hearts for ourselves,
and for one another.

[Eva Libre]

From Tao Te Ching - The Definitive Edition by Jonathan Star

After settling a great dispute
some resentment is sure to remain
Being content with what you have
is always best in the end

The Sage always assumes the debt
as if holding the left side of a contract
He gives and gives, and wants nothing in return

One with true virtue
always seeks a way to give
One who lacks true virtue
always seeks a way to get
To the giver comes the fullness of life
to the taker just an empty hand

Though the Tao of Heaven has no favorites
it always sides with one who has a pure heart

[Eva Libre]

Tao Te Ching - The Classic Book of Integrity and The Way by Lao-Tzu
A New Translation by Victor H Mair
based on the recently discovered Ma-Wang-Tui Manuscripts

79 (44)

Compromise with great resentment
will surely yield lingering resentment;
How can this be seen as good ?

For this reason,
The sage holds the debtor’s side of a contract
and does not make claims upon others.

Therefore,
The man of integrity attends to his debts;
The man without integrity attends to his exactions.

The Way of heaven is impartial,
yet is always with the good person.

[Eva Libre]

Lynn's - Daode jing of Laozi

Bring harmony to great resentment, and some resentment is sure to remain.

If one has not arranged a tally [contract] clearly and, as such, allows things to reach the point where great resentment has already arrived before using virtue to restore harmony, the injury will not be healed. Thus the text says: "some resentment is sure to remain".

How could this be considered good ? This is why the sage holds the left half of the tally.

It is by holding the left half of the tally that he prevents reasons for resentment from arising. (1)

And does not place blame on the other party. A person of virtue concerns himself with his contracts,

A person of virtue considers his contracts carefully and does not allow resentment to arise and then place blame on the other party.

And the person of no virtue concerns himself with scrutinizing others.

"Scrutinizing" means correcting the mistakes of others.

The Dao of Heaven has no favorites but is always with the good man.

Text, in Italics above, is Wang Bi's commentary.

The notes below, are from the translator, Richard John Lynn -

(deb's note - "section" is used for verse in these notes.)

 
(1) For Wang, the left half of the tally was the debtor's half. The sage as ruler is the ostensible creditor, who, by custom, should hold the right half of the tally but here instead holds the left half, as if he were the debtor. This indicates that the sage treats his contract (relationship) with his people with the utmost care, concern, and humility, as if they were not responsible to him but he to them. This is another way of saying that the sage places himself beneath and behind the people; see, for example, Verse 66. It is interesting that the text of Mawangdui A reads "right half of the tally" but Mawangdui B reads "left half of the tally". See Mawangdui Hanmu boshu 113. This suggests that even early readers/transcribers of the Laozi were sometimes uncertain how to interpret this passage. Hatano Taro cites evidence from various ancient sources that the right half of the tally was traditionally the creditor's half and the left half was the debtor's, which leads him to conclude that the sage reverses the creditor-debtor relationship, as Wang Bi says, to prevent the occurrence of resentment and blame. See Hatano, Roshi Dotokukyo kenkyu 437. For a brief survey of textual problems in and alternate readings and interpretations of this passage in English, see Henricks, Lao-Tzu Te-Tao Ching, 184.

[Eva Libre]

From Stephen Mitchell - tao te ching - A New English Version

Failure is an opportunity.
If you blame someone else,
there is no end to the blame.

Therefore the Master
fulfills her own obligations
and corrects her own mistakes.
She does what she needs to do
and demands nothing of others.

From Byron Katie - A Thousand Names For Joy - Living in Harmony with the Way Things Are

Failure is an opportunity.

It's impossible to fail at anything. Your success just may not look the way you thought it would. If your goal was to go from point A to point C, for example, and you went from point A to point B, that's not a half-success - it's a complete success. If you can go all the way to C, good. Don't we love it when our dream comes true ? But if you get only halfway, there's no sane reason to think you failed at that task. It's your job to open your mind and realize why it's better to have gotten to B than to C. In life, there's a sweeter dream than yours: reality. That's the ultimate dream, the kindest dream. We don't know where we're going, we just like to imagine that we know. I never believe it. That way, wherever I am, my journey is complete and I'm a success, because here I am.

Our nature is goodness. I know that's true because any thought that sees something as not good feels like stress. I can't be rejected; that's not possible. If someone says, "I don't want to be with you", I think, How wonderful ! He's showing me whom not to be with. I don't take it personally. I remember when I didn't want to be with me, either, so I can appreciate his feeling and join him there. And I understand that the reason he doesn't want to be with me is that he believes what he thinks about me. He can't help it, because he hasn't questioned his mind.

Every time you think you have failed, you're identifying as a failure. And every time this identification arises, other thoughts surface that attempt to prove it. That's how the confused mind stays confused, how mind allows itself to live in the illusion of a past that never existed. If someone said, "Katie, you failed to answer my e-mail", I would laugh to myself and think, Well, of course. There's no other way for me to succeed at being me. (And then I might say, "Tell me what your e-mail was about.")

I took a test in a women's magazine. I was waiting in a hair salon, the magazine caught my eye, and I opened it at random. The headline said, HOW GOOD A LOVER ARE YOU ?  There was a page full of questions. Do you prepare for his arrival ? No. Do you put on sexy lingerie ? No. Do you try special techniques to please him ? No. I added up my numbers at the end and discovered that I had flunked the test. I loved that. To their mind, I am a dud. To my mind, I'm the perfect lover. Why would I prepare for his arrival ? How could I project anything better than Stephen ? And why would I bother ? He is all I want when he walks in the door, and in every moment. Do I wear sexy lingerie ? That might be fun, and I notice that the thought never occurs to me. I also notice that it's unnecessary. Do I have special techniques to please him ? Why would I try to please him ? He is already pleased, and I did nothing for it. What were these editors thinking ? !  Love is not a doing, nor is making love. Who needs props or techniques when the heart is wide open ?  The real plan is always the way of it, eliminating the need for any plan I might have. I don't know a thing about pleasing or being pleased. So there's no way I can't be the perfect lover.

[Eva Libre]

Dr Dyer's Essay for Verse 79 -

In this verse, which has been so helpful to me personally, you're asked to change the way you hold resentments following a difference of opinion or an outright quarrel. Now what causes annoyance and anger after a dispute ? The generic response would be a laundry list that detailed why the other person was wrong and how illogically and unreasonably they behaved, concluding with something like, "I have a right to be upset when my [daughter, mother-in-law, ex-husband, boss, or whomever you're thinking of] speaks to me that way !" But if you're interested in living a Tao-filled life, it's imperative that you reverse this kind of thinking.

Resentments don't come from the conduct of the other party in an altercation - no, they survive and thrive because you're unwilling to end that altercation with an offering of kindness, love, and authentic forgiveness. Lao-tzu says, "Someone must risk returning injury with kindness, or hostility will never turn to goodwill." So when all of the yelling, screaming, and threatening words have been expressed, the time for calm has arrived. Remember that no storm lasts forever, and that hidden within are always seeds of tranquility. There is a time for hostility and a time for peace.

As the storm of a quarrel subsides, you must find a way to disregard your ego's need to be right. It's time to extend kindness by letting go of your anger. It's over, so offer forgiveness to yourself and the other person and encourage resentment to dissipate. Be the one seeking a way to give, in the sense that Lao-tzu describes in this verse, rather than the one looking for something to get.

I run a large enterprise based on the wisdom in this profound verse. My company is all about giving, so if there are any disputes about product sales, my assistant knows to let the other party have whatever they desire. If someone can't afford something, I give it away. I allow recordings of my talks and ask nothing in return. I give of my time for photographs, autographs, or anything at all. Unless I have a plane to catch, I'm the last person out of the auditorium, and I'm willing to talk with anyone who makes such a request. It's all about giving, and those who work for me know this and live by these principles.

When I asked an outsider to be part of my speaking tour not long ago, I encountered a man who was a tremendously gifted musician and entertainer yet was living in scarcity. Despite his enormous talent, abundance just wasn't flowing into his life. After a few of our speaking dates, I noticed his inclination to be a taker rather than a giver - he consistently looked for ways to make more money on the side, excluding everyone else who was working to provide a service to those who attended the lectures.

I had a long discussion with this man about how his profiteering rather than offering was blocking the flow of abundance into his life, and I encouraged him to trust in the wisdom that Lao-tzu provides. The point here is that this was an opportunity for us to both proceed on the tour without resentment.

Regardless of anyone else's attitude, if you live with "true virtue", you'll seek a way to give. This truth completely aligns with the Tao; after all, the creator of life is always giving, never taking. So change the way you think about scarcity and resentment, and begin to truly feel the question How may I serve ? The universe will seem to respond, Finally, you got it - you're acting like me ! I'll keep that flow coming into your life in ways that will astound and delight you. As Lao-tzu says, "To the giver comes the fullness of life; to the taker, just an empty hand."